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Relationships

What relationships do you consider to be most important?  Usually, the answer would be family.  Yes?

 I remember distinctly the day I realized that the relationship I had with my mother was unhealthy, unnatural.  It was quite a shock at the time.  Throughout the years I’ve come to accept that my mother and I will never be like the other mother/daughters I see daily.  Often I am amazed when I witness the closeness and friendship that so many daughters share with their moms.  I don’t have a daughter.  I never will.  But if I did…  I would use all my energy and love to instill in her the knowledge that she is loved… that I worry and fret and pray for her happiness.  She would know that I cared!  Is that too much to ask?

 Unhealthy relationships seem to follow me.  Who would’ve thought ten years ago that I would be where I am today?  My marriage has been painful, unhappy, disappointing.  I don’t know what it is about me.  When I married Kermit I didn’t know what I was getting into.  First came the pornography…. then anger, the outbursts… the lies, the affairs.  I stopped feeling.  I built up walls.  Sometimes I want to cry but there is nothing there.  I’ve watched myself change.  I’ve become quite angry and while I want to “get over it” I wonder if it will ever happen.  I’ve distanced myself from Kermit which is obviously a coping mechanism.

 Kermit and I want whats best for the boys.  I pray daily that my choice to “work things out” is the right thing to do.  I pray that my heart will be softened towards Kermit.  He is trying to change.  I feel very alone in this marriage.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever find happiness in this relationship.

 I love my boys!  They are my world.  I’ll give anything for them to be happy.  I try daily to cement in their little minds how much they are loved.  Oh how quickly they are growing.  Everyday is important and I hope and pray that our time won’t be wasted. 

 I am proud of the boys.  They teach me something new everyday about living life.  They tell me I am a good mom, that they love me.   It is my wish and strongest desire that they will grow up feeling like their relationship with me is open, trusting, secure.  Maybe I’m not a failure after all.

Guilt

Putting those thoughts in writing is difficult and when I read it I feel guilty.  I can’t believe I said, “My heart isn’t in it”.  Oh, this is so hard!

 Gosh, I have a slew of thoughts circling inside my head… thoughts that shouldn’t be said.

Disconnected

Honestly, I never thought I’d be sitting here hashing it out in my mind….  It’s like running a marathon with blinders on. You’ve trained for months, years wanting to PR but coming up short time and time again.  Callused from endless miles it’s hard to see the forest for the trees.

 I want to forgive!  I thought I had forgiven him but I’ve been so easily irritated that I’ve wondered where I stand after all.  It’s not fair but my heart is not in this relationship anymore.  For years I’ve hoped that my feelings would change.  I’ve hoped for a miracle really.  Oh, why does this have to be so hard?

 Betrayal is hard to forget.

 Walking this experience alone has not been easy.  I’ve been screaming inside but while I hope to forgive him for what he’s done, I know that if my family and friends knew…. they would not forgive.  I’ve kept this secret from them in hopes that our life will find a more pleasant path…

In hopes that we can put it behind us…