Archive for the ‘Feelings’ Category


What relationships do you consider to be most important?  Usually, the answer would be family.  Yes?

 I remember distinctly the day I realized that the relationship I had with my mother was unhealthy, unnatural.  It was quite a shock at the time.  Throughout the years I’ve come to accept that my mother and I will never be like the other mother/daughters I see daily.  Often I am amazed when I witness the closeness and friendship that so many daughters share with their moms.  I don’t have a daughter.  I never will.  But if I did…  I would use all my energy and love to instill in her the knowledge that she is loved… that I worry and fret and pray for her happiness.  She would know that I cared!  Is that too much to ask?

 Unhealthy relationships seem to follow me.  Who would’ve thought ten years ago that I would be where I am today?  My marriage has been painful, unhappy, disappointing.  I don’t know what it is about me.  When I married Kermit I didn’t know what I was getting into.  First came the pornography…. then anger, the outbursts… the lies, the affairs.  I stopped feeling.  I built up walls.  Sometimes I want to cry but there is nothing there.  I’ve watched myself change.  I’ve become quite angry and while I want to “get over it” I wonder if it will ever happen.  I’ve distanced myself from Kermit which is obviously a coping mechanism.

 Kermit and I want whats best for the boys.  I pray daily that my choice to “work things out” is the right thing to do.  I pray that my heart will be softened towards Kermit.  He is trying to change.  I feel very alone in this marriage.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever find happiness in this relationship.

 I love my boys!  They are my world.  I’ll give anything for them to be happy.  I try daily to cement in their little minds how much they are loved.  Oh how quickly they are growing.  Everyday is important and I hope and pray that our time won’t be wasted. 

 I am proud of the boys.  They teach me something new everyday about living life.  They tell me I am a good mom, that they love me.   It is my wish and strongest desire that they will grow up feeling like their relationship with me is open, trusting, secure.  Maybe I’m not a failure after all.


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Putting those thoughts in writing is difficult and when I read it I feel guilty.  I can’t believe I said, “My heart isn’t in it”.  Oh, this is so hard!

 Gosh, I have a slew of thoughts circling inside my head… thoughts that shouldn’t be said.

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